George Carlin

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

– George Carlin

“Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?”

– George Carlin

Well If Crime fighters Fight Crime

“I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.”

– George Carlin

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

– George Carlin

“Atheism is a non-prophet organization.”

– George Carlin

“Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever ’til the end of time!

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can’t handle money!”

– George Carlin

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
– George Carlin

That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
– George Carlin

I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
– George Carlin

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations.When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
– George Carlin

The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
– George Carlin

Regarding the Boy Scouts, I’m very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook.
– George Carlin

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
– George Carlin

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to fuck.
– George Carlin