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How do construction workers party?

How do construction workers party? they raise the roof.

If homework goes too easy

If homework goes too easy you are doing it wrong.

I think that if I died and went straight to hell

I think that if I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn’t at work anymore.

I was going to be an optometrist

I was going to be an optometrist, but couldn’t see things clearly.

When an employment application asks

When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”.

I hope the guy who invented

I hope the guy who invented Auto-correct burns in hello!

Chaos, panic, & disorder

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

If the Koreans cannot do it

If the Koreans cannot do it, they will tell you that they won do it.

I quit my job at the helium gas factory

I quit my job at the helium gas factory, I refuse to be talked to in that tone of voice!

What do you call an alligator in a vest?

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator!