There’s so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
– Dick Cavett
It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
– Woody Allen
The family you come from isn’t as important as the family you’re going to have.
– Ring Lardner
Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
– Brendan Gill
A man’s face is his autobiography. A woman’s face is her work of fiction.
– Oscar Wilde
Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.
– Joey Adams
Some mornings it just doesn’t seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
– Emo Phillips
Of all days, the day on which one has not laughed is the one most surely wasted.
– Nicolas Chamfort
Marriage is the perfection of what love aimed at, ignorant of what it sought.
– Ralph Waldo Emerson
There are three faithful friends an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.
– Benjamin Franklin
A person who knows how to laugh at himself will never ceased to be amused.
– Shirley Maclaine
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
– Jennifer
If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and the impersonators would be dead.
– Johnny Carson
I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl.
– Penny Ward Moser
The only time to eat diet food is while you’re waiting for the steak to cook.
– Julia
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
– Rita Rudner
Love is a state in which a man sees things most decidedly as they are
not.
– Friedrich Nietzsche
Don’t worry about avoiding temptation… as you grow older, it will avoid you.
– Winston Churchill
A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
– W. C. Fields
In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.
– Robert Frost