Funny Quotes and Sayings - Page 4

Barack Obama will appeal to both black and white voters in America. White voters who’ll think he’s Tiger Woods.
– Frankie Boyle

Life is like a taxi. The meter just keeps a-ticking whether you are getting somewhere or just standing still.
– Lou Erickso

If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.
– A. A. Milne

Marriage is a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters written in prose.
– Beverly Nichols

May be the most that you can expect from a relationship that goes bad is to come out of it with a few good songs.
– Marianne Faithfull

We’re fixing to go down to Galveston and obviously are going to see a devastated part of this fantastic state.
– George W. Bush

My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, ‘Well that taught me a lesson’.
– Ken Dodd

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That’s almost $7.00 in dog money.
– Joe Weinstein

A man is in general better pleased when he has a good dinner upon his table, than when his wife talks Greek.
– Samuel Johnson

Our dogs will love and admire the meanest of us, and feed our colossal vanity with their uncritical homage.
– Agnes Repplier

Getting divorced just because you don’t love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
– Zsa Zsa Gabor

My grandfather was a very insignificant man, actually. At his funeral his hearse followed the other cars.
– Woody Allen

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me.
– Hunter S. Thompson

In weight lifting, I don’t think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.
– Jack Handey

Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.
– Robert Orben

Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you’re abroad, there’s nothing you can do.
– Golda Meir

The nose of the bulldog has been slanted backwards so that he can breathe without letting go.
– Winston Churchill

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.
– Albert Einstein

Sharing food with another human being is an intimate act that should not be indulged in lightly.
– M. F. K. Fisher

Middle age ends and senescence begins, the day your descendant’s outnumber your friends.
– Ogden Nash