Funny Quotes and Sayings - Page 26

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
– Groucho Marx

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.
– Jim Davis

Attack life, it’s going to kill you anyway.
– Steven Coallier

Man is a dog’s idea of what God should be.
– Holbrook Jackson

The best armor is staying out of gun-shot.
– Italian Proverb

I can resist everything except temptation.
– Oscar Wilde

Silence is golden but duck tape is silver.
– Anonymous

Jazz is not dead, it just smells funny.
– Frank Zappa

As I get older, I just prefer to knit.
– Tracey Ullman

Love is a serious mental disease.
– Plato

Coffee isn’t my cup of tea.
– Samuel Goldwyn

The radio has no future!
– Lord Kelvin

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
– Shirley Temple

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades or a game of fake heart attack.
– Demetri Martin

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
– Bill Cosby

There’s no half-singing in the shower, you’re either a rock star or an opera diva.
– Josh Groban

If it’s sent by ship then it’s a cargo, if it’s sent by road then it’s a shipment.
– Dave Allen

I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted.
– George Best

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn’t understand me.
– G.W. Hegel

A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.
– Samuel Goldwyn