If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
– Sam Levenson
He’s got a photographic mind. Too bad it never developed.
– Leopold Fechtner
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
– Anonymous
No flying machine will ever fly from New York to Paris.
– Orville Wright
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
– Groucho Marx
Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you.
– Mae West
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up.
– Joe Namath
You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
– Henny Youngman
It wouldn’t be New Year’s if I didn’t have regrets.
– William Thomas
A vasectomy means never having to say you’re sorry.
– Anonymous
China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.
– Charles Gaulle
A friend doesn’t go on a diet because you are fat.
– Erma Bombeck
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
– Maryon Pearson
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
– Henry Youngman
I just thought of something funny…your mother.
– Cheech Marin
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
– Carl Gustav Jung
Happiness is the china shop; love is the bull.
– H. L. Mencken
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
– Peter Ustinov
Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.
– Max Eastman
Life is just one damned thing after another.
– Erbert Hubbard