Funny Quotes and Sayings - Page 23

I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.
– Bob Hope

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
– Winston Churchill

I’m in no condition to drive…wait! I shouldn’t listen to myself, I’m drunk!
– Homer J. Simpson

Fish, to taste right, must swim three times – in water, in butter and in wine.
– Polish proverb

Romance often begins by a splashing waterfall and ends over a leaky sink.
– Anonymous

Cooking is like love. It should be entered into with abandon or not at all.
– Harriet Van Horne

I think I am about 5 for 500 when it comes to successful ideas vs flops.
– Jeremy Schoemaker

You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.
– John Mendoza

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try’.
– Homer J Simpson

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.
– Charles M. Schulz

The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him.
– Oscar Wilde

The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.
– Albert Einstein

You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
– Dilbert

There is time for work. And time for love. That leaves no other time.
– Coco Chanel

I guess I don’t mind so much being old, as I mind being fat and old.
– Peter Gabriel

I named my dog Stay so I can say, “Come here, Stay. Come here, Stay.
– Steven Wright

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
– Casey Stengel

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
– Steven Wright

It’s funny to me that I have to prove to the banks that I’M honest.
– Scott Adams

The greatest love is a mother’s; then a dog’s; then a sweetheart’s.
– Polish Proverb