Funny Quotes and Sayings - Page 2

Acquiring a dog may be the only opportunity a human ever has to choose a relative.
– Mordecai Wyatt Johnson

You’re 16 years old, you don’t know shit about shit, and pull up you’re pants!
– Denis Leary

Ability is the art of getting credit for all the home runs somebody else hits.
– Casey Stengel

A genealogist is one who traces your family back as far as your money will go.
– Anonymous

Democracy is being allowed to vote for the candidate you dislike least.
– Robert Byrne

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
– Will Smith

Dog sled riding is a sport that is relaxing as well as fragrant.
– Dave Barry

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
– Jerry Seinfeld

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
– Groucho Marx .

Politics is just show business for ugly people.
– Jay Leno

All I know is that you love me in my dreams.
– Anonymous

I think we agree, the past is over.
– George Washington

He laughs best who laughs last.
– English Proverb

Shit is the tofu of cursing.
– David Sedaris

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
– Roseanne

I knew my mother had it in for me from a young age. My bath toys were an electric toaster and hair-dryer.
– Anonymous

I never resist temptation, because I have found that things that are bad for me do not tempt me.
– George Bernard Shaw

There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
– Will Rogers

A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is one who hopes they are.
– Chauncey Depew

All my life,I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
– Lily Tomlin