Funny Quotes and Sayings

I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
– Robert McCloskey

I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect.
– Oscar Wilde

It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be ugly.
– Oscar Wilde

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.
– Oscar Wilde

I put all my genius into my life; I put only my talent into my works.
– Oscar Wilde

Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing – but none of them serious.
– Alan Minter

Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.
– Kin Hubbard

Music played at weddings always reminds me of the music played for soldiers before they go into battle.
– Heinrich Heine

Competitive golf is played mainly on a five-and-a-half-inch course…the space between your ears.
– Bobby Jones

One time, Bert and I were making out for so long it wasn’t even funny..But then it was funny.
– Gerard Way

Action, Ability and Awareness (in that order) the 3 keys to success.
– Joshua Estrin

Have you seen my Kung fu lately? Cause it has gotten totally awesome!
– Gerard Way

Life is the boring bit between the hangover and the opening time.
– Michael O’Brien

Please, dear God, don’t let me fuck up.
– Alan B. Shepard Jr.

He who laughs last laughs longest.
– Proverb

Housekeeping ain’t no joke.
– Louisa May Alcott

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
– Anonymous

It’s hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa! Where’s my wallet? But, hey this song is funky.
– Mitch Hedberg

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
– Woody Allen

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
– Winston Churchill