Woody Allen - Page 3

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
– Woody Allen

My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women.
– Woody Allen

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
– Woody Allen

As the poet said, ‘Only God can make a tree’ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
– Woody Allen

Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.
– Woody Allen

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
– Woody Allen

Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can’t remember where they leave things.
– Woody Allen

I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around China town.
– Woody Allen

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
— Woody Allen

My Brain: it’s my second favorite organ.
– Woody Allen

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
– Woody Allen

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead not sick, not wounded dead.
– Woody Allen

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
– Woody Allen

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said “No.”
– Woody Allen

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
– Woody Allen

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
– Woody Allen

What is so fascinating about sitting around watching a bunch of pituitary cases stuff a ball through a hoop?
– Woody Allen

When we played softball, I’d steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
– Woody Allen