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I was born When I

I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That’s still what I am doing. The end.

– Steven Wright

I busted a mirror and

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

– Steven Wright

Light travels faster than sound

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

– Steven Wright

I intend to live forever

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

– Steven Wright

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
– Steven Wright

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
– Steven Wright

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology… the study of milkmen.
– Steven Wright

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only two inches taller.
– Steven Wright

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
– Steven Wright

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright

There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
– Steven Wright

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone.
– Steven Wright