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We spend the first twelve

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

– Phyllis Diller

The reason the pro tells

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.

– Phyllis Diller

It would seem that something

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day
should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.

– Phyllis Diller

You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
– Phyllis Diller

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
– Phyllis Diller

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
– Phyllis Diller

Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
– Phyllis Diller

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
– Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
– Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
– Phyllis Diller

By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
– Phyllis Diller

Health what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
– Phyllis Diller

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
– Phyllis Diller

The reason women don’t play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
– Phyllis Diller

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.
– Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
– Phyllis Diller

I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
– Phyllis Diller