Don’t let schooling interfere with your education.

– Mark Twain

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

– Mark Twain

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

– Mark Twain

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.

– Mark Twain

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

– Mark Twain

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

– Mark Twain

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

– Mark Twain

Grief can take care if itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.

– Mark Twain

“The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”

– Mark Twain

“I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.”

– Mark Twain

“I haven’t any right to criticize books, and I don’t do it except when I hate them. I often want to criticize Jane Austen, but her books madden me so that I can’t conceal my frenzy from the reader; and therefore I have to stop every time I begin. Every time I read Pride and Prejudice I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone.”

– Mark Twain

“Patriotism is supporting your country all the time and your government when it deserves it.”

– Mark Twain

“Loyalty to country ALWAYS. Loyalty to government, when it deserves it.”

– Mark Twain

Now and then we had a hope that if we lived and were good, God would permit us to be pirates.

– Mark Twain

“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great makes you feel that you, too, can become great.”

– Mark Twain

“I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened”

– Mark Twain

“To get the full value of joy you must have someone to divide it with.”

– Mark Twain

When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.

– Mark Twain

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.

– Mark Twain

“When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.”

– Mark Twain