If it weren’t for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we’d still be eating frozen radio dinners.

– Johnny Carson

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
– Johnny Carson

We’re more effective than birth control pills.
– Johnny Carson

If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and the impersonators would be dead.
– Johnny Carson

He couldn’t ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner.
– Johnny Carson