Jarod Kintz

It’s amazing how nostalgia filters out the bad and focuses only on the good.
– Jarod Kintz

“When people change, I’m disappointed they’re not who I remember them being. And when people don’t change, I’m disappointed they still are who they were. All people do is disappoint, and I do mean all people.”

– Jarod Kintz

“I thought I was eating a candy bar, but it turned out to be a yummy burrito. I was both disappointed and appointed at the same time.”

– Jarod Kintz

“Because even among contrarians, I’m a contrarian. But all of this is just words of bronze, third place rhetoric. What do I really mean when I say we want to shock society into awareness? Do we mean we want more originality and individuality? Less TV, more reading, writing, actual thinking? Less sheep, more shepherd pie? Yes, yes, and a little more pie, please. Oh, and some more sweet tea, too”

– Jarod Kintz

“I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral.”

– Jarod Kintz

“I wanted a ponytail for my 16th birthday, but daddy never bought me one. He thought that not only would I not be able to ride it, but it would also be unsuitable for a young lady to be a young man.”

– Jarod Kintz

“Love gives you wings. Icarus and the Challenger both had wings, and so did my first love letter, after I folded it up and flung it at my crush.?”

– Jarod Kintz

“When I dance, I’m so fluid you could drink my moves. And if you sip it with your morning coffee, you’ll be light on your feet all day.”
– Jarod Kintz

“I saw him do a No More Potatoes Dance, after he saw me stuff the last of the mashed potatoes in my pocket.?”

– Jarod Kintz

“Dance like there’s nobody watching. Or filming. Never mind that creepy guy in the corner with the camcorder. Just keep dancing.”

– Jarod Kintz

“Let us embrace each other like we have the arms of two chairs. Let us dance like our legs are those of a table. We should do dinner sometime.”

– Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

“When the silent flamingo dances pink with desire, I’ll be there, sipping on owl stares and kitten curls.”

– Jarod Kintz, Whenever You’re Gone, I’m Here For You

“If you convert a shower curtain to a dress, I’ll wear my waterproof dancing shoes. Together we’ll move so fluidly people will line up to get cleansed.”

– Jarod Kintz

“Pepperonis are like edible polkadots. I made you a pizza dress, but I’m ashamed to admit I burned it. I’m afraid you’ll have to dance naked.”

– Jarod Kintz

“I have a 12:34 representational time dance. I do it at 3:33 every other Tuesday (twice a day). If you’d like to participate in my choreographed dance routine, bring a football helmet and a half empty can of tuna (keeps the stray cats away, because I perform in a gritty, grimy downtown alley).?”

– Jarod Kintz

“I’d like to see a flag made not out of stars and stripes, but rather fingers and knuckles, so that it could really wave in the wind. It would be the most welcoming flag in all the world.”

– Jarod Kintz

“I love firm hugs. Statues are so affectionate. Well, at least compared to my ex wife.”

– Jarod Kintz

“Squeeze out the competition—with hugs. I’m giving out FREE hugs while samples last. After that I’ll have to charge an arm and a leg—or maybe just two arms.”

– Jarod Kintz

“I have two hands, so when I’m networking and I meet two new people, is it OK to shake both their hands at once? Or would it be more appropriate to organize a group hug?”

– Jarod Kintz

“I am innocent! But only because the opportunity to partake in an activity that would render me guilty has not presented itself.”

– Jarod Kintz