Erma Bombeck - Page 2

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.
– Erma Bombeck

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
– Erma Bombeck

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.
– Erma Bombeck

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.
– Erma Bombeck

What’s with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
– Erma Bombeck

Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It’s unbridled, its unplanned, it’s full of suprises.
– Erma Bombeck

Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.
– Erma Bombeck

A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween.
– Erma Bombeck

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
– Erma Bombeck

Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.
– Erma Bombeck

You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren’t dying. They’re merging into big conglomerates.
– Erma Bombeck

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That’s why dreamers are lonely.
– Erma Bombeck

When humor goes, there goes civilization.
– Erma Bombeck

When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.
– Erma Bombeck

In general, my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced on TV.
– Erma Bombeck

I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of a hill.
– Erma Bombeck

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.
– Erma Bombeck

There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
– Erma Bombeck

No self respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.
– Erma Bombeck