Erma Bombeck

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
– Erma Bombeck

A friend doesn’t go on a diet because you are fat.

– Erma Bombeck

In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.

– Erma Bombeck

A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween.

– Erma Bombeck

There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
– Erma Bombeck

We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.
– Erma Bombeck

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
– Erma Bombeck

Never accept a drink from a urologist.
– Erma Bombeck

I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.
– Erma Bombeck

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.
– Erma Bombeck

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.
– Erma Bombeck

There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
– Erma Bombeck

Don’t confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
– Erma Bombeck

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
– Erma Bombeck

I am not a glutton. I am an explorer of food.
– Erma Bombeck

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.
– Erma Bombeck

A friend doesn’t go on a diet because you are fat.
– Erma Bombeck

I’ve been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I’ve lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
– Erma Bombeck

I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.
– Erma Bombeck

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
– Erma Bombeck