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Stand-up is like a row

Stand-up is like a row boat: it’s fun and romantic when you’re choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it’s not as enjoyable; that’s survival.

– Demetri Martin

I thought I would you

I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.

– Demetri Martin

I like video games, but they’re really violent.

“I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.”

– Demetri Martin

Saying, ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying, ‘ I apologize.’ Except at a funeral.
– Demetri Martin

A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.
– Demetri Martin