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- Page 5

Gave my co-worker the Heimlich maneuver

Gave my co-worker the Heimlich maneuver. Proving once again I’m no good at birthday gifts.

What do I say if a Mexican walks by me

What do I say if a Mexican walks by me and daddy? Say “Here are the tacos.”

I work in a library

I work in a library. Literally, all we do is judge books by their covers.

Lawyers really aren’t so bad

Lawyers really aren’t so bad, it’s just ninety-nine percent of lawyers that make the rest look bad.

Before I buy a leaf blower

Before I buy a leaf blower I want to make sure I understand the rules. We just blow the leaves at each other’s houses, right?

Not to brag

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

The next time you have company

The next time you have company, serve them a bowl of shelled peanuts. After they’ve eaten a few handfuls, casually mention that you’ve never liked peanuts, but you love to suck the chocolate off of them.

How do you make a fire with two sticks?

How do you make a fire with two sticks? Make sure one of them is a match!

I was going to be a computer forensics

I was going to be a computer forensics expert, but couldn’t hack IT.