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Funny One Liners

The device will work much better

The device will work much better, if you turn it on.

The first 5 days

The first 5 days after the weekend are the hardest.

Life is scary

Life is scary; at least the salary is funny.

All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy

All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?

I was going to be an optometrist

I was going to be an optometrist, but couldn’t see things clearly.

What do you call an alligator in a vest?

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator!

I worked in the woods

I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the ax.

The human soul weighs 1.2lbs

The human soul weighs 1.2lbs. I know because I’ve weighed myself before and after I walk into my job.

Whats the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?

Whats the difference between a jeweler and a jailer? One sells watches and one watches cells.

How much did the butcher charge for his venison?

How much did the butcher charge for his venison? A buck!