Farmer Jokes

Farmer’s Horse

A man was driving into town, and he fell in a big ditch in the middle of the road.

A farmer came up and said, “My horse Sebastian can pull you out,” the man said OK and the farmer got Sebastian.

When Sebastian was hooked up, the farmer said, “Pull Ranger! C’mon Benny! Lets go Delilah!!!!”

Then the farmer said, “Pull Sebastian, pull!”

Then the car was out of the ditch, the man said, “I have a question, why did you say the wrong name three times?”

And the farmer said, “Because Sebastian is blind, if he knew other horses weren’t pulling, he wouldn’t even try…”

Submitted by raju.

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Proud Rooster

The minister had just finished an excellent chicken dinner at the home of a member of his congregation when he saw a rooster come strutting through the yard.

“That’s certainly a proud-looking rooster you have there,” the minister commented.

“Yes, sir,” replied the farmer. “He has reason to be proud — one of his daughters has just entered the ministry!”

Submitted by raju.

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Know Habits

A farmer was out plowing one day, when his son ran up to the tractor excitedly.

“Daddy, there’s some preacher come to visit, and Momma wants you to come in and meet him” The farmer said “Son, I have to finish here, but I need your help. Go back inside and tell mom that I’ll be there in a little while; find out which preacher it is; and do this:

If it’s the Catholic priest, hide the bottle of wine, he’ll drink it all if you don’t.

If it’s the Lutheran minister, hide the cookie jar with Momma’s butter and egg money in it, he’ll talk her out of all of it.

And if it’s the Baptist preacher, you sit on Momma’s lap until I get there!”

Submitted by raju.

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Giving Away A Horse

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.

To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. “Who’s the boss around here?” he asked.

“I am.” said the man.

“I have a black horse and a brown horse,” the farmer said, “which one would you like?”

The man thought for a minute and said, “The black one.”

“No, no, no, get the brown one.” the man’s wife said.

“Here’s your chicken.” said the farmer.

Submitted by raju.

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Texan Farmer Travels To Australia

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large”.

Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, ” We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows”.

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, “And what are those”?

The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas”?

Submitted by raju.

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Fence Chatting

A farmer and his friend were leaning on a fence chatting.

Suddenly, the local Game Warden showed up and insisted on checking the farmer’s property and, in particular, a certain field. The farmer refused to allow him access to the field but the Warden insisted he had the right, saying, “I’m the Game Warden and I have a card! This card allows me to go in.” Before the farmer could stop him, the Warden was off into the field.

Soon, a horrifying scream pierced the air and the Warden, being chased by a massive bull, reappeared running for his life. “Help, help!” he cried.

The farmer shouted back, “Show him your card! Show him your card!”

Submitted by raju.

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Fell Off The Roof

“How did it happen?” the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man’s broken leg.

“Well, doc, 25 years ago…”

“Never mind the past! Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.”

“Like I was saying… 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I’d gone to bed, the farmer’s beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.

I said, “No, everything is fine.”

“Are you sure?” she asked.

“I’m sure,” I said.

“Isn’t there anything I can do for you?” she wanted to know.

“I reckon not,” I replied.

“Excuse me,” said the doctor, “What the hell does this story have to do with your broken leg?”

“Well, this morning,” the farmhand explained, “when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!”

Submitted by raju.

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Pig Misunderstanding

Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly.

“Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs?” she asked.

“Yeth.” lisped the farmer.

Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered: “Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs.”

Submitted by raju.

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Horse Pulls The Car

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull.” Buddy didn’t move.

Then the farmer hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull.” Buddy didn’t respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, “Pull, Jennie, pull.” Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, “Pull, Buddy, pull.” And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, “Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try!”

Submitted by raju.

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Circle Flies

An old farmer got pulled over by a young state trooper for speeding. The trooper, fresh on the job, decided to throw his weight around and started lecturing the farmer about his speed. He did his best to make the farmer feel uncomfortable but eventually got around to writing the ticket. As he wrote, he had to swat at several flies that were buzzing around his head.

“Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?” asked the farmer.

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and looked up. “Well yeah, if that’s what they are,” he said. “I never heard of circle flies, though.”

“Oh, they’re pretty common on farms,” said the farmer. “We call ’em circle flies because they’re always circling around the donkey.”

“I see,” said the trooper as he continued writing the ticket. All of a sudden, he stopped and looked up at the farmer. “Hey…wait a minute, are you trying to call me a donkey?”

“Oh no, officer,” replied the farmer. “I have far too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a donkey.”

“Well, that’s a good thing,” said the trooper as he resumed writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer continued. “Hard to fool them flies, though.”

Submitted by raju.

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