Engineer Jokes - Page 3

Wisdom From Above – Manager Joke

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”

The man below says, “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”

“You must be an engineer,” says the balloonist.

“I am,” replies the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s of no use to anyone.”

The man below says, “You must be in management.”

“I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

Submitted by vijay.

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Software Engineering

At a recent computer software engineering course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:

“If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?”

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard. He said, if our team is the software coder for the program then we all are safe as it is unlikely that it will even reach the runaway

Submitted by vijay.

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To The Engineer…

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Submitted by vijay.

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Engineering Pick-up Lines

* I won’t stop bugging you until I get the address of your home page.
* You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
* Since distance equals velocity times time, let’s let velocity and time approach infinity, because I want to go all the way with you.
* My love for you is like a concave up function because it is always increasing.
* Let’s convert our potential energy to kinetic energy.
* Wanna come back to my room? …and see my 1000 Mhz Pentium VII?
* How about you and I go back to my place and form a covalent bond?
* You and I would add up better than a Riemann sum.
* You’re sweeter than glucose.
* We’re as compatible as two similar Power Macintoshes.
* Why don’t we measure the coefficient of static friction between you and me?
* Wanna see the programs in my HP-48GX?
* Your body has the nicest arc length I’ve ever seen.
* Isn’t your e-mail address beautifulgirl@mydreams.com
* You’re hotter than a bunsen burner set to full power!

Submitted by vijay.

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Why Engineers Make the Best Lovers

10. – The world does revolve around us… we choose the coordinate system.

9. – No “couple” enjoy a better “moment”.

8. – We know how to handle stress and strain in a relationship.

7. – We have significant figures.

6. – EK301: The motion of rigid bodies.

5. – Projectile motion: Do we need to say more?

4. – Engineers do it to specification.

3. – According to Newton, if two bodies interact, their forces are equal and opposite.

2. – We know it’s not the length of the vector that counts, but how you apply the force.

1. – WE KNOW THE RIGHT HAND RULE!

Submitted by vijay.

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An Engineer in Hell

An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An intern angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, “Ah, you’re an engineer; you’re in the wrong place.”

So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.

One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”

Satan laughed and replied, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

God’s face clouded over and he exploded, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake; he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”

Satan shook his head, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”

God was as mad as he had ever been, “This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughed uproariously, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”

Submitted by vijay.

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