Funny Quotes and Sayings

There is time for work. And time for love. That leaves no other time.
- Coco Chanel

You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
- Dilbert

The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.
- Albert Einstein

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.
- Charles M. Schulz

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try’.
- Homer J Simpson

You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.
- John Mendoza

I think I am about 5 for 500 when it comes to successful ideas vs flops.
- Jeremy Schoemaker

Cooking is like love. It should be entered into with abandon or not at all.
- Harriet Van Horne

Fish, to taste right, must swim three times – in water, in butter and in wine.
- Polish proverb

Romance often begins by a splashing waterfall and ends over a leaky sink.
- Anonymous

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
- Winston Churchill

I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.
- Bob Hope

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
- Hedy Lamarr

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
- Woody Allen

Be able to go shopping for a bathing suit and not become depressed afterward.
- Marilyn Vos Savant

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
- George Burns

I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.
- Jack Benny

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.
- Mae West

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
- Bob Hope

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
- Mel Brooks

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
- Joan Rivers

That’s why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they’d call them something else.
- Proverb

The drivers have one foot on the brake, one on the clutch, and one on the throttle.
- Bob Varsha

Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.
- Al Bundy

The dog is a yes-animal, very popular with people who can’t afford to keep a yes-man.
- Robertson Davies

Quotes