Funny Quotes and Sayings

You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
- Bob Hope

If it begins with a wink, it can end with a slap.

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
- Casey Stengel

When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
- Gracie Allen

Judge not a man by his clothes, but by his wife’s clothes.
- Thomas R. Dewar

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Henry Youngman

The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.
- Kin Hubbard

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
- Maryon Pearson

The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
- E. Joseph Cossman

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
- Harry S Truman

You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
- Henny Youngman

Attack life, it’s going to kill you anyway.
- Steven Coallier

Silence is golden but duck tape is silver.
- Anonymous

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up.
- Joe Namath

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining.
- Mark Twain

The most dangerous food is wedding cake.
- James Thurber

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
- Steven Wright

Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is like another nail.
- Dan Castellaneta

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades or a game of fake heart attack.
- Demetri Martin

There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.
- Bill Cosby

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
- Whitney Brown

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
- Earl Wilson

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison – if it wasn’t for him, we’d be watching television by candlelight.
- Milton Berle

Boys are beyond the range of anybody’s sure understanding, at least when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.
- James Thurber

If it’s sent by ship then it’s a cargo, if it’s sent by road then it’s a shipment.
- Dave Allen

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