Working in the Garden
+74A prisioner in jail received a letter from his wife:
“I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?”
The prisioner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter:
“Dear Wife, whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! That is where I hid all the gold.”
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:
“You wouldn’t believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the whole back garden.”
The prisoner wrote another letter:
“Dear wife, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce!”
Submitted by Rohit.
Male Assertiveness
+30A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.
He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you’re going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
“The funeral director,” said his wife.
Submitted by zanny.
Anniversary
+54John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. “Would you like a new Mink Coat?” he asks.
“Not really,” says Mary.
“Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John.
“No,” she responds.
“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he suggests.
She again rejects his offer with a, “No thanks.”
Frustrated he finally asks, “Well what would you like for your anniversary?”
“John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary.
John thinks for a moment and replies “Sorry dear, I wasn’t planning to spend that much.”
Submitted by Markel.
Blonde Thanksgiving Dinner
+23It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone. The next day, her mother called to see how everything went.
“Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey!” said the daughter.
“Did it not taste good?” her mother asked.
“I don’t know,” the blonde said. “It wouldn’t sit still!”
Submitted by zanny.
Overloaded
+77My wife, a flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger overloaded with bags tried to stuff his belongings in the overhead bin of the plane. Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the oversized luggage.
“When I fly other airlines,” he said irritably, “I don’t have this problem.”
My wife smiled, “When you fly other airlines, I don’t have this problem either.”
Submitted by Chris.
New Airline Food Policy
+55It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline in the South.
“Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked
the man seated in front of me.
“What are my choices?” he asked.
“Yes or no,” she replied.
Submitted by Abby.
British Airways Flight 602
+22“This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I’d like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.
“If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.
“If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.
“If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.
“That’s me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!”
Submitted by Sid.
Misbehaving
+63Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school. Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving.
“Wait a minute,” she said. “I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved.”
Submitted by Rajan.
Flight Safety
+31A friend of mine was learning how to fly (a plane, obviously) and asked his instructor the safety benefits of a twin engine aircraft.
His reply:- If one engine fails, the other takes you to the scene of the accident.
Submitted by Zia.
Set it Free
+119If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room and messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place — you either married it or gave birth to it!
Submitted by zanny.