English Irish And Scottish Football
-2An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are wandering through the desert, hungry and hallucinating, when they come upon a rotting, dead camel.
“Well,” said the Englishman, “I support the Liverpool football club, so I’ll eat the liver.”
“I support the Hearts club,” said the Scotsman, “so I’ll eat the heart.”
“I support Arsenal,” said the Irishman, “but I seem to have lost my appetite.”
Submitted by cris.
Would You Please Do Me A Favor
+17A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.
Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?
Patient: Why? Docor, it wasn’t all that bad this time.
Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don’t want to miss the four o’clock ball game.
Submitted by Rohit.
How Much Will This Cost Me?
+12Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: $100.00.
Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work?
Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like.
Submitted by Rohit.
Ain’t She Cute
+10Father: (at hospital looking through glass at newly arrived babies)
“Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled…
isn’t she adorable?”
Friend: “But your kid didn’t smile.”
Father: “I was talking about the nurse.”
Submitted by Rohit.
I Want To Lose Some Weight
+8A man, seeking to lose some of his excess weight, visited the local doctor.
John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?
Doctor: Of course! Cut your head off
Submitted by Rohit.
Lethal Food
+10A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realises the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I’m referring to?”
“You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea.”
The man lowered his head and said, “Wedding cake.”
Submitted by Rohit.
Will I Live Any Longer?
+66Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?
Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.
Submitted by Rohit.
Beautiful
+8There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You’re cute!”
Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.”
She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’?”
His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”
Submitted by Rohit.
A Mother at 65!
+25A 65 year old blonde has a baby.
All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.
When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says “not yet.”
A little later they ask to see the baby again.
Again the mother says “not yet.”
Finally they say, “When can we see the baby?”
And the mother says, “When the baby cries.”
And they ask, “Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?”
The new mother says, “because I forgot where I put it.”
Submitted by Rohit.
Fill In The Blanks
+248FILL UPS.
1. YOUR NAME___________.
2. YOUR %IN YOUR PREVIOUS CLASS__________.
3. YOUR GENDER____________.
FIll these with your details and then read only the answers
Submitted by DHAWAL SHARMA.