The Most Evil Thing
+20“Cash, check or charge?” I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse. “Do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.”No,” she replied. “But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him.”
Submitted by Tom.
She Changed Me
+37“Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market,” said the man.”Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically,”remarked his friend.”I’m not bitter. Now that I’m so improved, she just isn’t good enough for me.”
Submitted by Kaspar.
Too Late
+12The orthopaedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items.
I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, and had fastened the seatbelt around it to stop it falling over. I hadn’t considered the drive across town.
At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, “I’m delivering him to my doctor’s office.”
The other driver leaned out of his window. “I hate to tell you, man,” he said, “but I think it’s too late!”
Submitted by zanny.
Military Control Tower
+33On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.
One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, “What time is it?”
The tower responded, “Who is calling?”
The aircraft replied, “What difference does it make?”
The tower replied, “It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o’clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it’s Thursday afternoon.”
Space Monkeys
+42NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with two monkeys and an astronaut. They trained them for months. Then when they thought they were ready, they placed all three in the shuttle and got ready to send them up into space.
As the moment came closer NASA’s mission control center announced, “This is mission control to Monkey One. Initiate!”
At that the first monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle’s engines ignited and the shuttle took off.
Two hours later NASA’s mission control center announced, “This is mission control to Monkey Two. Initiate!”
At that the second monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle separated from the empty fuel tanks.
Another two hours later mission control announced, “This is mission control to the astronaut…”
At this the astronaut responded “I know, I know. Feed the monkeys and don’t touch anything.”
Submitted by Ankita.
You are a Nerd If…
+19If you have more toys than your kids
If you need a checklist to turn on the TV
If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight
If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name
If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary
If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work
If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires
If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don’t work and you rush up to the front to fix it
If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal
If you have memorized the program scheduled for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already
Submitted by zanny.
James Bond
+49On a flight James bond was sitting next to a Telugu guy.
Telugu Guy: ‘Hello, May I know your name please?’
James Bond: ‘My name is Bond’ Continuing in his inimitable
Style,…… James Bond.’
Then Bond asks: ‘And you?’
Telugu Guy:
‘My name is Rao…
Siva Rao…
Samba Siva Rao…
Venkata Samba Siva Rao…
Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao…
Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao……..
Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao…
Vijayawada Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao…’
Since then when anyone asks Bond his name he simply says ‘James Bond’
Submitted by unni.
Sports Commentator Bloopers
+11Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.”
Grand Prix Race Announcer: “The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back.”
Baseball announcer: “If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.”
Ringside Boxing Analyst: “Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing – but none of them really that serious.”
Basketball analyst: “He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.”
Submitted by zanny.
Glass Eye
+12Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown.
Doctor: What does he call his other eye?
Submitted by Fany.
Wonderful Coffee
+36Customer to waiter: Everyday you charge me money for a cup of coffee. It will be wonderful if you serve me coffee free of cost today.
Waiter: Sir, everyday you drink coffee from a filled cup. It will be wonderful if you drink it from an empty cup today.
Submitted by unni.