Sports Jokes
Gold Medal Winner
+55Tom, the Commonwealth Gold Medal runner, was on his way to a bar with some friends.
At the door, the bouncer turned to him and said “Sorry, mate, you can’t come in here – no denim.”
Tom was quite annoyed at this and retorted, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Tom, the gold medal winner in 400m .”
“Then it won’t take you long to run home and change, will it?” replied the bouncer.
Submitted by zanny.
Stupid Things Actually Said By Soccer Commentators
+171. Well, it’s Liverpool two, Ipswich nil, and if the score stays this way, I’ve got to fancy Liverpool for the win.
2. He had an eternity to play that ball, but took too long.
3. And so they have not been able to improve on their 100% record.
4. With the last kick of the game, he scored with a header.
5. Well, it’s a fabulous kaleidoscope of colour: almost all the Brazilians are wearing yellow shirts.
6. If that had gone on, it would definitely have been a goal.
7. Their manager, Howard Wilkinson, isn’t here today, which strongly suggests that he may be elsewhere.
8. I am a firm believer that if one team scores a goal, the other need to score two to win.
9. If a team scores early on, it often takes an early lead.
10. You cannot possibly have counted the number of passes made, but there were eight.
Submitted by zanny.
Jogging Shoes
+68Deciding to take up jogging, the middle-aged man was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store. While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk about it. “What’s this little pocket thing here on the side for?” “Oh, that’s to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick you up when you’ve jogged too far.”
Submitted by zanny.
First Football Game
+14A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she like the game.
‘I liked it, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents,’ she said.
‘What do you mean?’ he asked.
‘Well, everyone kept yelling, ‘Get the quarter back!’
Submitted by zanny.
Putting up with Jocks
+5The basketball coach stormed into the university president’s office and demanded a raise right then and there.
“Please,” protested the college President, “you already make more than the entire History department.”
“Yeah, maybe so, but you don’t know what I have to put up with,” the coach blustered. “Look.”
He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. “Run over to my office and see if I’m there,” he ordered.
Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath.
“You’re not there, sir,” he reported.
“Oh, I see what you mean,” conceded the President, scratching his head. “I would have phoned.”
Submitted by zanny.
Baseball in Heaven
+7Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90′s, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they’re reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man’s friend asks, “Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there’s baseball in heaven.”
The dying man said, “We’ve been friends for years, this I’ll do for you.” And then he dies. A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend’s voice. The voice says, “I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there’s baseball in heaven.”
“What’s the bad news?”
“The bad news is that you’re pitching on Wednesday.”
Submitted by zanny.
Sports Commentator Bloopers
+11Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.”
Grand Prix Race Announcer: “The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back.”
Baseball announcer: “If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.”
Ringside Boxing Analyst: “Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing – but none of them really that serious.”
Basketball analyst: “He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.”
Submitted by zanny.
Speaking Dog Boasting
+6Several racehorses are in a stable. One of them starts boasting about his track record.
“Of my last 15 races,” he says, “I’ve won eight.”
Another horse breaks in, “Well, I”ve won 19 of my last 27!”
“That’s good, but I’ve taken 28 of 36,” says another, flicking his tail.
At this point a greyhound who’s been sitting nearby pipes up.
“I don’t mean to boast,” he says, “but of my last 90 races, I’ve won 88.” The horses are clearly amazed.
“Wow,” says one after a prolonged silence, “a talking dog!”
Submitted by cris.
Judo Tournament In Heaven
+6One Day the Devil challenged the Lord to a Judo tournament. Smiling the Lord proclaimed, “You don’t have a chance, I have Kano, Mifune, Kotani, Kimura and all the greatest players up here”.
“Yes”, snickered the Devil, “but I have all the referees.”
Submitted by cris.
Scotish At A Baseball Game
+1A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring “Run….Run!”
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: “R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!”
A third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams “R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!”
The next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells “R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!”
All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, “He doesn’t have to run, he’s got four balls.”
After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, “Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!”
Submitted by cris.